Race for Hope 5K, and whatever happened to C25K?

There are very few things in my life that I need answers to. I know why I gained so much weight, why I've had problems with school and social relationships, and what I need(ed) to do to right some wrongs I've done to myself and others. I've had one nagging question since I was a little kid, and I've never gotten an answer.

"Why do I have Epilepsy???"

I don't know if I've ever mentioned it before on the blog, but I've suffered from had Primary Generalized Absence Seizures for almost 19 years, and it's greatly affected my life. I have memory, coordination and balance issues, and I've had to give up a lot of activities I loved, like video games, some concerts and clubs, skiing and gymnastics. Like 67% of all epileptics, I've also had the co-syndrome of depression and, for me, it's been the biggest challenge. 70% of all kids with PGA seizures outgrow them, and I did at 12. However, when I was 18, it reared its little head again, and I became one of the few adults with childhood epilepsy. I don't like to be called a victim or a sufferer, because it could always be much worse. I've lived on my own, have no brain damage and having been seizure-free for 9 years, I can drive a car. I'm on medications that have few side effects, and my last brain scan three years ago showed a normal brain.

If I'm okay, then why am I talking about it now?

Because with all I know about PGA, the one thing I don't know is why.

It's idiopathic, meaning there aren't known causes in every case, but can be hereditary. I'm the only one in the family as far back as four generations that I could trace with epilepsy, so it's a really frustrating answer, and without further research and education by the scientific community, I'll never know. One way to raise money for research is to participate in fundraisers, so when I heard that the Epilepsy Foundation of Cincinnati was coming to Huntington to start the Race for Hope 5K on May 1st, I knew I needed to sign up. I ended up deciding to walk instead of run, thinking about how much easier it would be. 

There was nothing easy about it.

5k is about 3.1 miles, which sounds like nothing, right? It sounded so simple, and every time E would bring it up, I'd brush it off. Never mind that last January, I couldn't walk a half mile without stopping 2 or 3 times. Never mind that I hadn't been to the gym in the last week. Whatever, it's just a 5k. Before the race, I gave myself 2 requirements: finish in 60 minutes, and don't finish last. I didn't want to be the one everyone was waiting on or the one that got left behind. I never once took a moment and patted myself on the back for signing up, showing up or doing my best, and I should have.

When the walk started, I power-walked for a little bit, but literally two minutes in, my shins were on fire. Right away, I freaked out, and knew I wouldn't make it. The walk became more about making it to the next volunteer than leaving folks in the dust, and somewhere along the way it became more about the hope than about the race. I realized that I've wasted so much time beating myself up over all the things that I can't do that I've never given a thought to all that I can and that so many people can't, including walking. I walked for the me's that I have been, am and want to be. I walked by a funeral and walked on for the someone in the hearse that couldn't. I walked by Marshall University, and walked on for the people who thought I'd never make it there and those that did. I walked by my bank, our favorite restaurants and city hall. I didn't stop walking, not even once, not even for a second. I stopped checking the time, my heart rate and the calories burned, because in the moment, they just didn't matter. At some point, I snapped out of my internal dialogues, and realized that I was almost there. I'm not ashamed to say that I cried as I got closer and closer, and it was so amazingly cathartic. I could feel the pressure, pain and anger slip away, and what was left was just me. I crossed the finish line exhausted and calm, and met up with E, who was waiting for me.

So, how did I do? 

With an official time of 52:27 (16:53 pace), I ranked:
81 out of 107 participants
18 out of 42 walkers
5 out of 6 overall in the 25-29 division
38 out of 53 overall females
2 out of 3 females aged 25-29

Yup, I placed!

Every time I try to brush it off as an accomplishment, all I have to do is look at this moment and that medal and I realize how awesome I truly am. I never stopped or looked back, and no matter how challenging it felt sometimes, I kept on keeping on, and for that, I rock! I don't always have to be the first or the best; by showing up and taking charge, I can keep being the best Carly that I can be.

 "Life is a positive-sum game. Everyone from the gold medallist to the last finisher can rejoice in a personal victory." - Unknow

So why didn't I run?
Pretty soon after starting C25K, I realized that at least for right now, it's not the right program for me. I'll admit that it was really hard for me to come to the decision to put it on the back burner yet again, but I truly believe that had I kept pushing for it, I would've resented it. For me, the whole point of doing C25K was to have a new adventure, a new activity, and a reason to keep reaching for a goal, and it was just not doing that for me. I'm kind of jealous of everyone I admire who are having a blast with the program, and hope that one day, I'll be back to follow in their footsteps.

P.S. for every comment I receive on this post, I'll donate $0.10 to The Epilepsy Foundation (up to 500 comments). This is a cause I believe so strongly in, so please re-tweet, repost and ensure that I'm a little poorer.

St. Louis and Ethical Eating

This past weekend, I was in St. Louis to help celebrate my friend Amanda's wedding, which was a blast, but one of the harder ones of the last year. I knew there wouldn't be a lot of options for me as an ethical flexitarian, but decided in advance to make the best of it. I wanted control over my food choices and my budget, so I made sure to bring along some corn thins, a packet of Justin's honey peanut butter, a couple of Luna protein bars and some oatmeal, figuring I'd at least have breakfasts and lunches covered. I ate one of the protein bars on the way there, and decided to have oatmeal for lunch. When I arrived at the hotel, I quickly discovered that there was no coffee maker or microwave, and the hot water was permanently set to around 80 degrees - hot enough for showers, but not for oatmeal. Strike one.

I ended up heading to a Walgreens with Amanda's mom and aunt to pick up some snacks for her son, and bought some dried fruit, a spicy V8 and a cheese stick. Not the best options, but having landed at 9:30 am and it being almost 3 pm, I was starving!

Then the rehearsal dinner came around - let me preface this by saying that I in no way ask, demand or expect to always have my food choices catered to - and it was really hard. Pizza and Applebee's appetizers were served, and I realized that I had three choices: eat in a manner that would go against my ethics, eat crap that would make me feel bad both mentally and physically, or just not eat. Option 3 just wasn't going to happen. Option 1 meant that I could eat chicken breast and the beef out of some burgers, and make do, but the thought of it literally made me gag. Option 2 meant eating pizza and mozzarella sticks, with a few sticks of celery on the side.  Guess what I went with? Option 2. I decided that eating meat was just as ridiculous a decision for me as not eating at all, and couldn't bring myself to do it. So I ate the celery (which quickly ran out), the pizza and the mozzarella sticks. I'm not proud of it, nor am I proud of how much of it I ate. It was, however, the best choice at the time - I'm glad I followed my gut. Plus, I knew that I'd be doing C25K the next morning, which would at least negate a slice of pizza :)

I got up bright and early the next morning to "run", and guys, it was rough. Between the fried foods and the dehydration issues from the night before, I was lagging, and every interval was painful. 15 minutes and that was it. I called it quits, and headed back to the hotel. I noticed there was a Starbucks in the hotel lobby, so I grabbed an iced coffee and a cup of hot water and headed upstairs for some oatmeal, and it was glorious! The rest of the day went pretty well; went to the salon with the rest of the bridal party to get our hair done, had lunch with the bride, groom and their families (they had egg whites and fruit, thank G-D!), and helped Amanda get ready. The wedding was beautiful and went off without a hitch, and then it was party time!

The reception turned out to be even tougher than the rehearsal, and my dinner consisted of cheese, crackers and fruit. Even though I know I did the right thing, it was really hard watching everyone enjoy the delicious meal, and choosing not to partake in it - I'm starting to understand how tough it can be for E as a vegetarian. I made a choice on what I choose to eat and how I choose to spend my dollar, and it's not always going to be easy, and this weekend was a great way to learn that lesson. By the end of the night, I'd devoured two pieces of wedding cake - tasted awesome, felt horrible. I've been hearing about this cake for months, and wanted to try both flavours. I usually split with E, but since he wasn't there, I figured I could half of each slice. It's times like this when I forget about ED, and I was quickly reminded. Emotion and stress overtook, and it was like I had no control over my fork or the hand that guided it, and it sucked. It sucked real hard. It was bad, but it could've been much worse, and I'm thankful that I was able to stop myself before I had a full-out binge.

The next day, everything was good again - headed to the airport, hopped on a couple of planes, ate some tofu and veg at CVG which was very necessary, reconnected with E, and all was well with the world.

Long story short: had a great time and was glad to be there, but I'm glad it's over!

Picture Time:

Room Tour!

The entryway

The bathroom -

modern, clean and see the shower behind me? 

Amazing!

My blogging station/classroom,

thwarted by the $9.95 daily internet fee

4 pairs of shoes for 2 days - 

I obviously like to be prepared for anything!

Rehearsal dinner-ready

The bed

The beautiful view from my room

Busch Stadium, home of the Cardinals and the ceremony location

Change and C25K, take two

In the last few months, I've gone through a bunch of changes.
I've talked about worry and feeling helpless and out of control, and even talked about a new way to eat.
There's been a few issues that have reared their ugly heads lately, the biggest of which was feeling as if my weight loss isn't earned. I mean, obviously it doesn't just happen on its own, but as a very imperfect person, I struggle with the fact that I can work my butt off for months and not lose an ounce, and then do nothing at all and lose 15 lbs. in a month. But hey, life's unpredictable, right? So is my body.

Since I broke up with worry, things haven't exactly been shrugged off my shoulders, but I have yet to worry. I've questioned, examined and pondered, but worry? Naaaah.
There's semantics for you!

There is something I need want to talk about.
One annoying, painful, nagging thought has flitted in and out of my head so many times over the last few months, and I've been scared to share it.
Guys, for the last 5 months, every so often, I've had the craziest urge...

...to run.

I'm no runner; heck, I'm barely a walker.
I grew up with a dad who ran marathons like nobody's business, including Montreal, New York, Chicago and Boston. I always thought it was pretty cool, but never had any desire or whim to share in the tradition.
But now?
Now I want to lace up my sneaks and just take off, wherever and whenever that may be.

Seriously (my mom's probably in shock right now).

I'm usually one to hide in safe places, and I wish I could do that now.
I can't, because I'm not that person anymore.

A change is a-comin.
Can you feel it?

Step one?
C25K, also known as Couch to 5K.

C25K is a program designed to take you from being a non-runner to running five kilometers, or 3 miles, in a mere 9 weeks. I tried the program out using my handy-dandy iphone app in January, and failed. The first day of the program is 31 minutes, including a 5 minute warm-up and cool-down with walk/run intervals of 2 minutes:60 seconds. I made it 10 minutes, including the warm-up. I didn't expect much from myself, and I didn't get all that much in return. It was disappointing and a big mental block, not to mention emotionally brutal.

Guys, as much as I hate to admit it, I learned a valuable lesson from that day. My body failed me because I failed my body. I've spent so much time dismissing myself and focusing on my weaknesses without spending any time devoted to creating strengths. I can't expect the results if I refuse to focus on making an effort, and that means mentally, too.

This past Thursday (April 1st), I challenged C25K, day 1 to a rematch. I wore my Polar
and workout gear to Basic Nutrition, tweeted frantically the entire time, and headed to the gym right after class. Got up to the track, ready to go, and tweeted:
There's a basketball game under the track. Not only are there 15 guys watching my a** run, but the gym's a zillion degrees. Super. #c25k 8:36 PM Apr 1st via TweetDeck

Oh yeah. Challenge much? I set out anyway, and as the warm-up counted down, my anxiety climbed. And then? A couple of dings, and "RUN". 

And I did.

I ran every interval, most for the full 60 seconds, a couple for 35-50 seconds. My ankle hurt, my knees hurt, my shins and even my boobs hurt. It was definitely more of a synchronized limp than a run, BUT I RAN. I redeemed myself, and I earned every freaking second of it. Tomorrow I'm doing it again. I'm joining the ranks of other awesome bloggers who coincidentally started C25K around the same time - check them out over at JewliaGoulia.


Monday, I'm taking Mary's Workout Pledge of Awesomeness, and Tuesday, I'm signing up for the Race for Hope 5K. I'm going to do the walk, and run if and when I can - that way, I can listen to my body, enjoy the event, and not get panicky if the run doesn't work out. 

Thanks go out to Krissie, Mish, Susan and Kepa for supporting me (and calming me down) on Twitter - you rock my socks!

This should be interesting, and change feels kinda good right now.

P.S. Check out my sweaty mug over at Prior Fat Girl!

NEDAwareness Week

There is an hour left to National Eating Disorders Association Awareness Week, and I've got to say, I've easily spent the other 168 hours debating on if I wanted to write this post. I've read some amazing posts this week, including those by Gena at Choosing Raw, Rachel at Working Out Wellness and Kelli at Two Lives, One Lifestyle.

As beautiful and thought-proving as they were, none was more heart-wrenching than Love2Eat at Confessions of a Compulsive Eater's letter to her daughter. In it, she shares the letter she wrote to her ten-year old, in which she explains in a very age-appropriate way her struggles with compulsive eating.

I have never had something on the internet affect me nearly as much as this did, she did, today.
It made my decision to write this for me.
After all, she's right: you are only as sick as your secrets.

This is my story.



From what I've been told, I was a pretty happy kid - funny, bubbly, always running around and trying to be the star of the show.



I don't remember at what point that changed - when I knew I was bigger than everyone else. I do remember sneaking food in the middle of the night when everyone else was asleep, stuffing the wrappers and remnants in my drawer or under my pillow. I went on my first diet around the age of 8, by 10 I was bringing my own 'special' snacks to sleep-away camp, and by 12 I was shopping in the Misses section, fitting into a large. After dealing with the tormenting from other kids at school, my typical night ended with a bubble bath; I would read a book, cry, and devour half to a whole box of chocolates. When I was stressed, it was more.

By 13, I went to, for lack of a better term, Fat Camp.

Diets came and went, but I never got any smaller, and nothing seemed to take.
Probably because, when I was alone, I was eating anywhere from 400 to 2,000 excess calories a day. My sister and I both were being treated at an eating disorder clinic - her for being anorexic, and me for binging, or compulsive eating. Neither of us went for very long, and both of us gained weight. Good for her, bad for me. The running joke in the family was that my mom kept taking food off of my plate and piling it on my sister's.

By my Sweet 16, my dress had to be special ordered in a size 18 - no store in our area had a dress that was big enough. By 17, my aunt offered to buy me a whole new wardrobe if I lost the weight.





Looking back, I thought I was huge. Dinosaurs would look tiny in comparison. Cities would rock as I walked by, and swimming would create tidal waves. Once I turned 18 and was legally of age, my friends and I would go out 4-5 times a week, drinking 3 or 4 drinks, finishing the night with a full meal at McDonald's or the Greek restaurant. Between being tired, drunk and hours of watching my friends being approached and not me, I just kept eating, and getting bigger.

Fast-forward 4 more years - more diets, another bout at Fat Camp, and more calories than I can count. A typical night would include coming home from work, ordering enough food for 3 or 4 people, eating until I felt sick, waiting for the feeling to pass, eating more, rinse and repeat.



By May of 2008, I weighed 283 lbs, and looked every bit of it.



By October, I was almost 300 lbs.



I ate when I was happy, when I was sad, when I was angry. 24 hours a day, my thoughts were consumed with food. The way a junkie craves a fix, so did I. Nothing was ever enough for me, including myself, and I think that I was hoping or trying to fill the voids within myself with food. Food was my best friend, the one who kept me company when E and I were apart. Food would never leave me, could be trusted, was never hard to find. No matter how much I ate, how many smiles I wore, I was never filled.

I couldn't take it anymore - the pain, the sadness, the overwhelming sense of failure. I applied to be part of a local weight loss show, and thankfully was picked. Through diet and exercise, I've lost almost 70 lbs. to date, going from a size 26 to a size 18. Do you want to know something?

To me, this beautiful, happy, amazing woman who has accomplished so much in one year, is still not good enough. I am constantly beating myself down for not cutting my calories enough, not working out enough, not being skinny enough, not being GOOD ENOUGH.

Where on earth does it end? Where does it stop?!?!?!
Instead of filling the voids in my soul with food, I'm filling them with fat talk. I must be one hell of a masochist - I finally start treating my body with respect and I attack my mind and my spirit? How SICK is that?

No matter how hard I try to deny it, I have an eating disorder. Disordered eating - binging, restricting - has been a pattern that stands out loud and clear throughout my life, all of my life. It needs to stop, I need to stop, once and for all. How can I, 4 years from now, council others as an RD to make better choices and have a healthy relationship with food when I can't?

I need to treat ALL of me with respect, body and soul.
I want to be healthy, and this is the first step.
I thought I had gained 7 lbs. this week, and spent 36 miserable hours analyzing every bite that went in my mouth, every minute I didn't sweat, paralyzed that 7 lbs. were back to stay. After weighing myself again 2 days later and seeing the excess gone, I was beyond relieved, safe another day. Running into people from my past is just as painful - with every compliment, I want to reach out, screaming "can't you see how FAT I am????"
I haven't won the war, but I'm willing to fight.
I'm only as sick as my secrets - I won't hide in the fridge any more.

tomorrow is only...

...a day away!

It's been a long day, and this was very-much needed. Tomorrow's going to be better, and I'm learning to put on a happy face, slowly but surely. Like everything else, though, it'll take time. Today it got to me a little more than I would've liked, hence the video diary.

In happier news...
awesome people giving away free stuff!!!

• Check out Kristen is having a Newman's Own Organics giveaway; check it (and her!) out at Change of Pace
• Help cheer up Jocelyn (and her blog!) through her giveaway at Jocelyn Eats Fresh
• It's makeover time again at casa del Zesty - enter to win a facelift for your blog at ZestyCook.com
• Josie's asking what dirty foods you want to indulge in for the chance at a subscription to Clean Eating over at Yum Yucky

<3

Happy Valentine's Day!

It's no coincidence that I'm blogging today, the day of live. I've missed you all terribly, and living vicariously through Google Reader just ain't cutting it, so here I am.

Even though Generalized Anxiety Disorder is kicking my butt right now, there is good news to report! In the last 3 months, I've been able to focus on school, finishing my first semester with a 4.0, which I've never been able to accomplish before. Also, even though I definitely have been no saint, I've been able to lose more weight, bringing me to a 68 pound loss so far. I still have quite the weight to lose, so why am I so excited?

I am no longer MORBIDLY obese.

Go me!

In honour of VDay, I wanted to mention 10 of the many reasons why my heart belongs to this guy (isn't he a stunner?)



1. E is the funniest person I've ever met, whether he means to be or not. Most of the time, he def means it!

2. No matter what's going on, he always puts me first. Even when it's fully his turn to be selfish, he never is.

3. He's a snazzy dresser - gotta love a man with style!

4. Even though the thought of my beloved almond butter makes his tummy turn, he still lets me throw it in our cart.

5. The way we fit together perfectly when we're snuggling on the couch.

6. E's passion for old houses, especially ours; he's truly making it a home. Case in point - our newly finished bedroom:



7. His affinity for zoos, aquariums and museums that, coincedentally, is perfectly matched to my own.

8. E seems to love my cooking. All of it. Even when it's the complete opposite of good.

9. He tells me that I'm beautiful every day, and seems to know when I need to hear it the most

10. After 47 days, he wanted to marry me. After 3 1/2 years, he did. I love that he loved me enough, even then, to risk it all and take that leap.

Since love isn't just about the one who makes your heart go pitter-patter, here are 5 things I love about this gal:


1. I am a good friend, and am so grateful to have such amazing people to call my friends.

2. I'm funny, especially when I'm trying not to be.

3. I don't beat myself up nearly as much as I used to.

4. I'm a work in progress, and I love learning new things about myself every day.

5. I'm honest. Sometimes a little too much so, but I always speak the truth.

What do you love about yourself?


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Food Inc. and change

As a fan of Michael Pollan’s, I’ve wanted to see Food Inc since its release in theatres in June. This week, E and I finally got to see it as part of the Marshall Artist Series’ Fall Film Festival. I’m in the middle of reading “The Omnivore’s Dilemma,” so I thought I had a pretty good idea of what I was about to see.

About the film (source):

In Food, Inc., filmmaker Robert Kenner lifts the veil on our nation's food industry, exposing the highly mechanized underbelly that has been hidden from the American consumer with the consent of our government's regulatory agencies, USDA and FDA. Our nation's food supply is now controlled by a handful of corporations that often put profit ahead of consumer health, the livelihood of the American farmer, the safety of workers and our own environment. We have bigger-breasted chickens, the perfect pork chop, herbicide-resistant soybean seeds, even tomatoes that won't go bad, but we also have new strains of E. coli—the harmful bacteria that causes illness for an estimated 73,000 Americans annually. We are riddled with widespread obesity, particularly among children, and an epidemic level of diabetes among adults.

Featuring interviews with such experts as Eric Schlosser (Fast Food Nation), Michael Pollan (The Omnivore's Dilemma, In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto) along with forward thinking social entrepreneurs like Stonyfield's Gary Hirshberg and Polyface Farms' Joel Salatin, Food, Inc. reveals surprising—and often shocking truths—about what we eat, how it's produced, who we have become as a nation and where we are going from here.

This was a seriously powerful film, and I was shocked to realize how much surprised me. I had several moments where I was thisclose to crying, and I’m not the crying type. When I left the theatre, I was angry more than anything else. Food Inc. covers a lot of ground, so I’m going to talk about the matter which affected me the most.

• In 1972, the FDA conducted 50,000 food safety inspections. In 2006, the FDA conducted only 9,164. In 1998, the USDA implemented microbial testing for salmonella and E. coli 0157h7 (an intensively dangerous deadly strain causing hemorrhagic colitis), so that if a plant repeatedly failed the tests, they could be shut down by the USDA. After being taken to court by the meat and poultry associations, the USDA no longer has the power. E. coli and Salmonella outbreaks have become more frequent in America,
  whether it be from spinach or jalapenos. In 2007, there were 73,000
  people sickened from the E. coli virus.

Our government is not protecting us. They are allowing corporations to rule in their own best interest, choosing bottom line and highest profit over humanity and ethics. If the meat you’re producing is making people sick or dead, you shouldn’t be allowed to produce it anymore. End of story. If you think that there are laws to protect you and your family against disease and unclean conditions, you are so very wrong. This doesn’t just affect carnivores – it affects everyone. E, as a vegetarian, is no safer than me because the waste and by-products from factory farming go into the ground, the water supply, and contaminate so much more than meat. We shouldn’t have to worry about peanut butter and vegetables making us sick, but we do, because the USDA, FDA and other government bodies are useless and too fearful of lawsuits to do anything about it.

• SB63 Consumer Right to Know measure requiring all food derived from
  cloned animals to be labeled as such passed the California state
  legislature before being vetoed in 2007 by Governor Schwarzenegger,
  who said that he couldn’t sign a bill that pre-empted federal law.

Once again, WHERE IS OUT GOVERNMENT??!?!?! What kind of country is this that we don’t have the rights to see what’s in our food, the nutritional make-up of it or even to know whether it’s from a cloned animal or a genetically modified product. If we can’t count on being protected, we should at least be given the opportunity and rights to protect ourselves.

• 1 in 3 Americans born after 2000 will contract early onset diabetes; Among
  minorities, the rate will be 1 in 2.

We are literally making ourselves sick. From all the fat, salt and sugar we eat to the 200 lbs. of meat the average American consumer consumes in a year, we are helping ourselves into an early grave. Diabetes is no longer something that’s a genetic hurdle, but a certainty. When it’s cheaper to get a hamburger than an apple, there’s an issue. The cost of food isn’t just the price at the store or on the drive-through menu, but in the medical bills, the despair and the early loss of life 5, 10, 20 years from now. Just because the burger you eat today doesn’t hurt you, the effects of it will.

It really bothered me to not see Perdue, Tyson or Monsanto present their point of view in Food Inc, which stated that they declined to comment. In fact, a Tyson farmer who was willing to show the inside of his chicken houses changed his mind after some visits from company representatives, and a Perdue farmer who decided to show both the chicken houses and speak on camera lost her contracts. To be fair, Monsanto and an alliance of meat production associations did both publish responses to the film, which can be seen here and here.

E’s stepfather is a dairy farmer, and I assumed every farm to be like his – happy workers, happy animals and green grass and rolling hills. I visited the farm to feed the newborn calves last Thanksgiving, and had a blast. The animals are happy, playful and respected, and get to see sunlight, roam in the pasture and eat grass if and when they choose to. Basic care, right?

Wrong.

Most of our meat comes from plants and factories, where the goal is to produce meat as uniformly and as cheaply as possible. Chickens are raised with hundreds packed so closely together they can’t move, without sunlight or fresh air and grow so quickly so fast they can no longer support their own body weight, are unable to stand and can die from being so huge. It takes a chicken 3 months to reach 5 pounds, and commercial broilers reach that weight in a mere 49 days. Cows spend their days knee-deep in manure, never knowing, feeling or touching grass (the very thing they should be eating!) or are literally lying on top of each other. These animals are being treated as a product instead of as beings with needs. They aren’t respected from the day they’re born until the day they die, and that’s a problem. We are led to believe that without factory farming, we will run out of food and land and that’s simply not true. Humans have been farming and cultivating for thousands of years and have yet to have such a problem. In the last 50 years, we’ve done more damage to the Earth and to ourselves than in the last 5000.

I believe that Food Inc. is an important film, and that it’s important for the public to see it, especially now that it’s out on DVD and Blu-Ray. I will warn that it has some very graphic scenes, and I was horrified at some of the scenes I saw. Several of the bloggers I read had some interesting points to make about the movie as well.

At the end of the day, I’m angry. Really freaking angry, actually – at myself for being so naive, the government for not protecting us, especially from life-threatening diseases that are preventable, and the giant meat conglomerates for abusing their farmers, workers and animals to add another dollar in their big, fat pockets. Food Inc. has taught me an important lesson, though – I have no right to be angry or indignant if I’m not willing to do anything about it. Thankfully, there’s a silver lining to all of this – we can change. In fact, according to Gary Hirshberg, founder of Stonyfield Farms, “The irony is that the average consumer does not feel very powerful. They think that they are the recipients of whatever industry has put there for them to consume. Trust me, it’s the exact opposite. Those businesses spend billions of dollars to tally our votes. When we run an item past the supermarket scanner, we’re voting.”

The Food Inc. website has some fantastic tips on how we can make a difference:

The way I feel about food now has forever impacted me, and I’m making changes in my own life. I’ve been a vegetarian before, and E is a vegetarian, but it’s just not the right choice for me, but this is:

1. Eating ethical meat – if my meat isn’t naturally-raised, pastured or grass-fed, I’m not eating it. I believe that animals have the right to be respected and treated humanely, whether I choose to eat them or not. I stopped eating veal after my day with the calves, and pork went out the window a couple of weeks ago. I will only be purchasing meat for myself or eating meat served in a restaurant or in someone’s home if it fits the criteria. A few retaurants, including Savannah's and Jewel City Seafood in town and Bluegrass Kitchen in Charleston are safe, and there's a farm about an hour away where I can buy meat and poultry. Otherwise, my options are to have a meal consisting of ocean-friendly fish/seafood or one that is meatless. The only exception to this would be game that is caught by a loved one, such as venison or wild turkey.
2. Continue buying organic milk, yogurt and produce, and buy other natural and organic products as budget and availability allow.
3. I will make more of an effort to learn where my food is coming from and what it’s made of, and to respect the seasons, and not just what was flown in.
4. I will support companies and products that I believe in, and let every dollar we spend vote in our best interest.

Have you seen Food Inc? What opinions or thoughts did you have about the film and/or your eating habits? How do you vote at breakfast, lunch and dinner?

remember me?

Hello lovelies - you have no idea how much I've missed you!
Thank you to everyone for all of your support and kind words after the mini-tri; it's meant everything to me!
Tons has happened since my last post -

I tried my first macaron - amazing!



Also found my BFF from back home - say hi, Tim!

It's still a little awkward for us to meet up 900 miles from home, so we don't see each other much.

E and I had a garden, after all. We ended up with a mass of herbs, some jalapenos, and a few tomatoes. We also had raspberries, but we let the bees keep most of them.


We got to get a guard 'dog' to keep our veggies safe. Meet Porter.

Celebrations!

The big 2-6 and the big sangria.

Final game of the Stanley Cup at Pittsburgh's finest


giving in to my deepest, darkest secret - being a housewife!

Trying out some goodies...


and some not-so-goodies....excuse the awkwardness that apparently is my hand...

plus, who could forget hanging out with E's dream gal and a few of her co-workers?


A lot's changed, guys - some for better, some...not so much.

Finally got my permanent residency, which means that I'm now employed and in school. I've enrolled in a local community college to up my GPA to get into the program of my choice in a year or so at the university level, which may or may not be dietetics. I've also figured out the bus system, which means that my car's still staring at me from outside the house, wondering why I can't man up and drive already. Me too, car, me too...

I went home in September for the first time in over a year. It was awesome to see my peeps, but I'm bummed that I couldn't see everyone. Unfortunately, I came back home less than a month later - my best friend lost her dad. It was one of the most tragic losses I've ever experienced, and being there was a really tough thing to do. I also learned that one of my cousins is in the last stages of cancer. Not a happy month over here, but I'm hoping that from now on, every time I go home, it'll be for a happy occasion.

So, what have I been eating? Everything! Between the stresses of a so-called new life, traveling, family issues and more, I've done the opposite of "eat less, do more". Thankfully, I haven't gained a pound (weird, right?), but I can definitely feel the difference. I'm grouchy, lethargic, and feel downright pudgy! I just plain feel unhealthy, no matter what I eat. It's been a wake-up call, my ah-ha moment. I always thought when I was really obese that I might've been fat, but that I was healthy. Well, guys, I wasn't healthy at 294 lbs. last December, and I'm not healthy at 245 lbs. now. Am I a size 18 instead of a size 24? Yeah. Is that healthy? For me, not so much. Sometimes, life is just about what feels good, and being this big just doesn't feel right. I've started to journal again, and just make better choices. I'm also starting to get back in the gym, slowly but surely, and it's making a big difference. I just plain feel better - about myself, e, the world. It's funny, a year ago, I would've been thrilled to feel this good, and now, it's not good enough. I couldn't miss something I didn't have, but now that I've had a taste of this kind of life, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

What's been your ah-ha! moment in life?

big night out, take two

Last night we headed out on the town to go to opening weekend of a new restaurant: Rosendale's Modern Bistro. Although Rosendale's opened a couple of years ago, Chef Richard Rosendale switched things up this past year, putting the formal, white-gloved service restaurant upstairs, and making the downstairs into the Modern Bistro. Getting back to basics with custom dining, the bistro is a more social experience, with moderately-priced dishes that are simple yet complex, and perfect for sharing. In light of the economy, Rosendale's Modern Bistro is music to a foodie's ear.

We'd made reservations in advance, and I'm glad we did - they were bustling! As we waited for our table to be ready, we were greeted by Vince, who offered to make us something special from the bar. More than a bartender, Vince wowed us with what he prepared - we had to track him down and make him give up the ingredients. My drink, on the left, included Creme de Cassis, orange Vodka, Triple Sec, a splash of cranberry juice and a squeeze of lemon. E's drink, on the right, has (from what I remember!) Rye, Elderflower Liqueur and fresh lemon juice. I'm usually a lightweight, but these were so good that I had 2, along with a couple of sips of Malbec later in the evening.


Palates open and bellies growling, we were happy to see our appetizers and get dinner started! I didn't want anything heavy or cloying, so I chose the Ham and Melon Skewers, composed of watermelon topped with prosciutto, which sat atop a reduced sherry vinegar syrup. Salty, cool and sweet, this was a perfect way to start off.


I normally don't mention E's meals too much, but I'll make an exception. E chose the White Truffle Popcorn as his starter, and after I tried a piece, I was hooked. Tossed in butter, sea salt and truffle oil, it was reminiscent of the escargots in garlic sauce that I grew up with. Then again, I have a really strange palate, so maybe it's just me.

We also had some really fresh bread, which was just how we like it; soft on the inside with a crisp crust, and sliced somewhat thin.


It was served with butter that was sprinkled with Himalayan sea salt and black pepper, which enhanced the butter's creaminess and flavor.


When it came to mains, Chef Rosendale had me at "braise". I ordered the Olive Braised Lamb Shank, which was described as "traditional braise, rosemary, natural sauce". The lamb was perfectly tender, and the flavor was deep and complex. The meat fell off the bone, and was somehow tender and luscious at the same time, making it the perfect comfort food.


Since the menu was sharing-friendly, E and I split several sides. I normally hate sharing, but this weekend has been really fun - why limit yourself to one dish when you can try two?

The definite star of the meal were the French Beans with smoked honey, toasted almonds and tangerines. Absolutely magical, the beans were perfectly tender and the honey was smoky-sweet, with a slight bacon undertone. The almonds and tangerines rounded out the dish fabulously, adding just the right amount of crunch and acidity. Complex yet simple, this was a must-try.


I love ketchup, to the point that I was shipped two giant bottles of Canadian ketchup to tide me over last year. The sweet potato fries were so good that I didn't even want the ketchup, as good as it was.


I loved that the Steamed Asparagus was subtle. Flavored with Hawaiian sea salt and lemon oil, they had a slight crisp left to them, and tasted just like they should. Simple works, and I wish more chefs would understand that the way Chef Rosendale does.


We were lucky enough to have the chef take a moment away from his busy kitchen and come to our table. It was especially great for E - in high school, he was at the Greenbrier in the middle of a culinary competition, and needed to crack a coconut and be able to use the shell, meat and water for various dishes, but had no idea how. In a world of hurt, E spent dinner preparing himself to crack the coconut using (sterilized) machinist tools his shop teacher had brought along. Thankfully, the then-sous-chef came over to his table, bringing over a chef's knife and coconuts, and taught him how to do the cracking.

You may recognize Chef Rosendale from numerous specials shown on Food Network, and was the youngest member of Culinary Team USA and the captain of the team in 2008. He's also a certified ice carver, the youngest chef to be on active status for the Certified Master Chef exam, and an all-around nice guy.

We had a hard time choosing a dessert to share, but finally decided on the Lemon Curd, which also had ginger ice cream, toasted meringue and crushed berries. Refreshing, tart, crunchy, sweet and soft, it was a great ending to a wonderful evening.


We were also brought out a teeny bit of creamy tapioca to try. Olivia (our server) was right - this was just like Grandma's, only better.


Check out the tiny spoons, especially compared to a sugar cube!

In all honesty, it has never taken me this long to write a review, let alone post it. Having worked in several restaurants and eaten in many others, I'm pretty critical. I kept waiting to find a flaw, but I couldn't. Dinner at Rosendale's Modern Bistro was, in all honesty, the best meal of the year, and one of the best of my life. The food was fantastic, and had a price point that allowed us to spoil ourselves, and try some of everything. The staff was amazing - after we were done, Olivia apologized for being so short-staffed. Apparently, there were only 3 servers that night handling a full restaurant, and we never even noticed. We must have had every single one of them at our table at one point or another, and not only were they friendly, attentive and fun to be around, but they genuinely seemed happy to be there, even with all the stresses of opening weekend. The blog actually came up in conversation, and Olivia even wrote down the URL and later invited me to a girls-only brunch the next time I was in town. So Olivia, if you're reading, thanks for an amazing time, say hi to the rest of the crew for us, and give yourself a huge pat on the back for all of your hard work.

It takes a lot of hard work and dedication for a restaurant to survive, never mind thrive. I have a feeling that we'll be seeing Rosendale's for many years to come.